Crud had its beginnings on the beaches of Portugal, before Solid could talk. That was when I carved my first bat, out of a piece of driftwood, using a hand drill. It’s hanging now, in the Crud Museum. At that time, it was exclusively a volleying game, since the ball didn’t bounce on the sand. The essence of the game then, its only purpose, was to keep the ball in the air. The longer it stayed afloat, the stiller the mind became, the greater the sense of harmony.

There’s nothing wrong with evolution, though.

My Crude bat has been hung up; but by all means play on, those who wish. I might have a go at Crude Lite, but essentially, fron now on, I’m a Crudman.

This new rule makes about as much sense and has been thought out about as much as post 9/11 anti-terrorist legislation.

Suppose one’s opponent hits a drop shot. One would have to scamper from the back of the court to the front and then scamper back again in order to be far back enough to be behind the bounce of the oponents return. Insanity in it’s purest ten times filtered essence.

Also I despute that claim that dod invented crud. I’m sure I was present at it’s birth (not to claim it as my own) and also at it’s naming – it was originally and mistakenly thought to be a inferior form of tennis – hence crud. Perhaps we should correct this and rename it something along the lines of “qualitae” or “ameliorated tennis”

Slightly crunchy sounds like he’s already booked his ticket to the next annual capitalist rally!!!

And as for Solid (hobbit feet) Gap’s outcry, I heartily agree: “Burn the heretic” for suggesting any deviation from the unwritten “bare foot” spirit of crud.

Firstly Episode 3 was epic. A true masterpiece, observing the nature of the mind to attach and then to fear loss of the object of attachment leading to just about any form of evilness in order to protect and keep object of attachment. Good critism of Mr Bush too. Quote “Either you’re with me or you are my enemy!” (Bush “Either you’re with us or against us) Reply; “Only a sith talks in absolutes”. In your evil emperor face Bush! Quality.

Also, I wish to deny being the originator of volleying. Everybody knows that my volleying is thoroughly scank ridden. I only started volleying because I was getting thrashed by the serve volley tactics of decoy and The Gap. I propose a break away from the so called “authorities” of crud in order to form a “Crud Premier League”. We can take all the television rites and market them in the far east and become millionaires. Also we’ll all get contracts to advertise fast food and sugar saturated drinks.

I actually dislike the volley exclusion zone because I can only volley while standing over the net and also I posses a lethal lob – far better than any other registerered crud player which with the heavy balls and lack of room behind opponents is completely redundant. Also nothing beats the sheer exhilaration of a high speed volleyed rally- the two oponents eyeball to eyeball over the net.

The only permissable footwear for playing Crud or Crude can be found at this link:

www.mbt-uk.com/

Due to the enormous cost of these ludicrous shoes I am confident they will never grace the No 1 Court. For those who truly suffer, thin silk socks can be worn but penalty points will be docked.

But I can’t concentrate when my feet are cold and then my feet ‘click’ for a few hours afterwards!